Epiphany

Hello all, Karma here.
I just posted this on my personal blog, but I know it's about an issue that many of you face so I'm cross-posting here. Hope you don't mind.

Epiphany

Holy Cow. I just had a huge epiphany. I mean life changing awakening.
Here's what happened: A friend and I were talking about finishing unfinished projects. I rarely finish projects. I have THOUSANDS (I'm not even exaggerating)of unfinished projects. THOUSANDS.
As we were chatting I heard myself saying out loud (so even I could hear it): "Unfinished projects make you feel needed. Like you matter. If you always have a project to go back to, you'll never be lonely or bored. You have an existence."
As I heard the words spill out of my mouth my heart took a leap. It was like the rope that had been strangling it was suddenly cut free and the blood to my soul could pump again. Do you suppose that's the road block to all the goals I've been trying to meet without success for oh-so-long?!
What I know now is that those unfinished goals and projects are not really keeping me alive, they're drowning me. Slow suicide.
One of the issues I've been dealing with again is my self esteem and weight loss. (Yes, AGAIN. I am so sick of it too!) One of my friends asked me what purpose being heavy served. It's been asked again and again and I've never really been able to come to a clear answer.
Yes, it is the isolation and insulation that I crave in a world that often seems too cruel in which to exist. It is the excuse to fail. It is the armor to protect my heart against the expectations no human could ever meet. And now, it's clear to me that the 150 pounds of bricks I carry around makes me feel substantial. It makes me feel like I can always play the victim and that if people can't see the real me, they can at least take pity upon me. I guess there is a part of me that feels like only my true friends like me at 300 pounds. Those that only want to be my friend because of what I do or how I look won't bother. They assume I'm stupid. The weight allows me to fit in instead of stand out. The more my heart has been broken over this lifetime, I've added more and more weight in hopes of being big enough to withstand the unbearable pain.
Food has offered me that comfort of unconditional love and warmth when it felt like the world was crashing down upon me. I had to be externally heavy to withstand the internal pressure.
As I uttered those words today I felt the pressure start to lift. As if acknowledging the falsehood was the sledgehammer I needed to break the pressure --the knife I had been seeking to cut the rope that has been squeezing the air from my soul.
There is this fear in me that if I shed the pounds, if I take care of myself like I should that I might somehow be more lonely than I already am. I understand that is the addiction talking and not the real me. I'm no longer the little girl bounced around to the next safe haven. I am not the teenager that was just "too much". I am not the conquest. I am an adult in control of my own destiny. My own choices. I can set my own boundaries when I choose, rather than letting someone else draw the lines for me. I don't have to be anything I don't want to be.
I'm not saying that this is the miracle that will suddenly make everything alright. Nor am I saying my journey ahead will be smooth and well paved. I am saying that as I walk the road ahead of me I can so with a lighter load.
Those unfinished projects are simply potholes I can choose to fall in -- or I can finish the project and repair.
I have never not had an eating disorder. It's attached to me like an umbilical cord. In some cases it has allowed me to survive when I didn't think I could. Looking at it at this moment it's a cord that is filling my heart with toxic beliefs and my mind with poison.
It's time to cut the cord.

Let go of your log

Hello All!  Karma here.
I've been trying to get time all week to update the blog and now that I'm sitting still for a few minutes -- I can't remember anything I was going to say.
We've had our first round of team support meetings this week. I hosted one last Monday and had a blast! I really enjoyed the people who came and can't to get to know each of them better. No one came for Julie's first meeting this morning, though -- so we need to hear from you. Do you want a morning meeting?  Would a different night be better?  Let us know ASAP!

Emotional Eating covers are wide array of issues; from sexual abuse to stress. I've been dealing with emotional eating -- and it's long term impacts--since I was a child. In fact, I'm sometimes not sure how to live without it. Over the years, I've read some pretty amazing books on the subject. My favorite is "Eating in the Light of the Moon" by Anita Johnson. The book is a collection of myths and tales that all deal with emotional eating issues. It's beautifully written. There is a metaphor within one of the stories I've never been able to get out of my mind.  I'll paraphrase it for you:

I’m on the banks of a swollen river when the bank gives way – I’m tossed by the waves and being pulled by a force I cannot control. I’m drowning. A huge log comes by and I grab on – I hold on to save myself
Finally, exhausted, I float into an area where the water is calm. I could easily swim to shore, but I would have to let go of the log. I can’t. I’m afraid.(from the book)“How ironic. The very thing that saved your life is now getting in the way of your getting where you want to go. There are people on the shore who see yhou struggle and yell, “let go of the log!’ But you are unable to do so because you have no confidence in your ability to make it to shore …”

 From the book:

“And so, very slowly and carefully, you let go of the log and practice floating. When you start to sink, you grab back on. Then you let go of the log and practice treading water, and when you get tired, hold on once again. After awhile, you practice swimming around the log once, twice, ten times, twenty times, a hundred times, until you gain the strength and confidence you need to swim to shore. Only then do you completely let go of the log."

Here's the thing.  We could all just stand up and walk to shore. But when you're dealing with so much fear and self loathing, it's hard to let go of that "log". Until we do, we'll float in the winding river forever -- and never reach the shore.
If you're caught up in the torture that emotional eating can be, it's easier to say, "Oh, well! I like it here in the water. I don't need to swim to shore. I'm fine just where I am."
I hate to break it to you (and myself) that you're living a lie. You're not just fine. You're (We) are miserable.  What's so great on that shore?  All sorts of things. Joy. Fulfillment. A good night's sleep. Peace.
I know it seems very overwhelming. Trust me. I know. But the latest book I've discovered (thanks to my friend and fellow team facilitator Julie Merrick) offers a solution.
In The Four-Day Win, author Martha Beck says anything is possible if you break into 4-day blocks. Pick a goal. Then make it ridiculously easy. My goal was to work out every day. I broke it down to I will work out once in four days. Whew! That took the pressure off. At first I felt silly, but I went to the gym that first day...and went back the next two days. Yesterday, I worked out twice!  I feel fabulous. Beck says it only takes four days for your brain to change its thought patterns. A week ago, I was overwhelmed at the thought of going to the gym everyday. Today, when I haven't had a chance to get a work out in, I'm disappointed.  Now I just need to string together 5 sets of 4-day wins to develop a new habit. That doesn't sound too overwhelming at all. I -- and you-- can do anything for 4 days.
I'm hoping Beck's book will help me have the courage to stand up, let go of my log, and walk to shore. Perhaps it will do the same for you.
Eating in the Light of the Moon
Four Day Win

Just for fun!  Another great song from Idina Menzel

Origami me

Hi all -- Karma here! Sorry I haven't posted in a few days. Sometimes the Internet gods are against me.

I've been watching a documentary on PBS about folding origami. Origami is the art of folding paper into different shapes. (learn more here). At the same time, I was preparing for our first team meeting (Next Monday!!)It occurred to me that we are a lot like a blank sheet of paper. We're beautiful because we exist. But we become more interesting, deeper -- and maybe even more valuable with the folds, lines and dimension life adds.
Sometimes, it's easy to look in the mirror and see only the bad things. The folds you wish weren't there. The lines you want to fade away. But think for a moment about what you might look like without the folds and the lines. The journey that has brought you to this point has beauty in it. Without those wrinkles and folds -- the lumps and bumps of life -- your story wouldn't be nearly as interesting -- or beautiful.

I, like many of you, have fought my weight my entire life. When I wasn't heavy, I thought I was. Now that I am -- it's a constant struggle to see the beauty in myself. But after years ... and years.... and years.... of counseling and reading and meditating and praying, I'm finally coming to the grips with what other's have been trying to tell me all along; until you see the beauty in yourself as you are right now -- the weight will never, ever go away.
I wanted the magic button -- the explosion of light that made everything make sense  -- but it's not going to happen.  Success, at least for this journey, is found not in one amazing event, but in little miracles every day. Tiny bits of progress that will eventually add up to the success I crave.
I've also learned that appreciating this journey instead of resenting it takes a lot less energy and provides far more benefit.  Instead of looking in the mirror and only seeing the extra pounds, I'm learning to look in the mirror and see the souvenirs of a blessed life.I see the postpartum depression that added at least 60 pounds over the last 13 years. It used to make me cry and feel ashamed. Now, I'm learning that I'm thankful for the three beautiful children that I have -- I am thankful for the friends, family and medical professionals who saw me struggling and did all they could do to help. I'm thankful for the comfort I found in food when I could not find it any where else.
What I know now that I did not know then is that the food was false comfort. It helped only temporarily -- but really only served to make things worse. Would I know that without going on this journey? No. And I might still be seeking comfort in food -- which I rarely do anymore.
While it's easier said than done, I can now look in the mirror and see the green eyes that match my brother's. I can see the chicken pox scar from 3rd grade. I can see the burn marks on my chest -- the result of voluptuous ta-tas -- leaning too far over the pots on the stove.  I can see the nose that reminds me of my mom. I see the stretch marks that made room for my children. I can see all sorts of things -- all beautiful. Folds and lines that I wouldn't trade for anything.
So like the piece of paper transformed into the crane, or geometric shape, or flower -- I'm better for the lines and folds that make up my life.... and I think you are too.

More of Me To Love

Hello friends, it's Karma here --
Hope all of you are wrapping up your first week with the NSFC in grand style. If not, don't feel bad! It's easy to get off track -- especially early in the "game".
If you haven't had the week for which you'd hoped, don't give up. Remember, this is a journey. Sometimes, there are bumps in the road and sometimes there are major detours. The destination -- self acceptance -- remains the same.  We'll help you get on track whenever you're ready.
We have had such a great interest in the NSFC we're adding more support groups and team facilitators. So stay tuned to your in-box for changes in times and places for the first meetings. This is a great problem to have -- so hang in there while we try to find support teams for everyone!
Have any of you had a chance to start reading any of the books?  I'm working my way through the Course in Weight Loss. Holy Cow -- lots of thought provoking information there -- but it's really helping me remember to trust my instincts!
One of the Web sites I like to read from time to time is "More of Me to Love".  I really love their position statement: "Size doesn't matter, you do."  Here you'll find blogs on darn near every topic relating to intuitive eating and self acceptance.  I don't agree with all of their writers, but most of them are interesting and filled with good ideas.  I'd recommend you check it out.
More of Me To Love

Checking in

Hi All! This is Karma. I'm your support team coordinator and frequent blogger here.
Well, it's our first Monday in the Challenge. How is is going so far?  For me it hasn't been stellar, I suppose. But it hasn't been horrible either.
The Lincoln County Recreation District started its extended hours today and there was a great turnout! My neighbor Trenna and I went down and found another neighbor, Christine there. We had a great conversation and each of us did our personal best for the day. Christine and I did 1.5 miles on the treadmill. Trenna walked a half mile and a lot of stretching. It felt great -- although we all miss walking outside!
So, I'm wondering how many of you have tried the "eating when you're hungry, stopping when you're full" thing?  Have you used the 1 - 10 scale? I've had the scale for several years now -- and have mastered the "eat when you're hungry end of it. It's the "stop when you're full" part of it that leaves me stumped!
I've had success here and there.  I remember the first time I left food on my plate at a restaurant. It was amazing. I was more excited then I was when I won an award at work. This was a major accomplishment! These days, I'm close but always made to eat until I'm at an "8" or better.  Sometimes it's out of boredom. I end up picking at my food while I watch others eat. Sometimes I do a "there's not that much left so I might as well eat it" thing.  Sometimes, I've been looking forward to a meal all day and then I eat a few bites only to realize I'm full and then I'm not sure what to do.
If you have the opportunity to read Geneen Roth's books, I highly recommend it.  One of the things she recommends is focusing on what you're eating with no distractions. I have a horrible time with this!  I enjoy reading at the table -- but then I end up eating unconsciously and eat too much! I really hate this when I'm home by myself and I don't have anyone to talk to -- I hate trying to eat and not read or watch t.v.  I know I feel better when I don't go past a 7 on our scale -- I know I don't need as much food as I end up consuming when I eat unconsciously -- but dang! It's hard to pay attention! So that's really my goal for the challenge -- 1)I want to take 15 minutes off my 5K time and 2) I want to figure out the "stop before you're full" thing!
I'd love to hear what you're goals are!  Post a comment below and let's get the conversation started!

Thought for the Day

You are amazing!  115 of you signed up for the North Side Fitness Challenge yesterday!  We came across this quote today and decided it was a perfect theme for Day One for the Challenge!

"Promise yourself to live your life as a revolution, and not just a process of evolution."

Welcome to the New You

Just for one minute, think about what your life would be like if you didn't worry about your weight. Right now, close your eyes and imagine the freedom. You would eat without wondering if the food would make you fat or sick. You would bless your body with health activities out of joy -- not guilt. What would you do with your time?  Would you spend more time doing activities that you enjoy?  Would you paint your house or write a book?
We spend countless hours counting calories and dieting and yet it never seems to end. The weight loss industry is betting on your failure -- that's how they make money. So for the first month of the North Side Fitness Challenge, just stop. Don't diet.
You're stunned, right? Isn't the whole purpose of this event to lose weight?
Nope. The purpose is to get fit and for this support team we'll work from inside out. That means we'll learn how to take care of our bodies -- to love ourselves enough to fuel our system with energy sustaining foods and blessing our physical self with movement.
Although it sounds easy, what you're about to learn is the most difficult diet tip you'll ever read.  You were born with this skill and have spent a lifetime learning to ignore it. Get a piece of paper and a pencil out or open a word processing window because you'll want to write this down.
Eat when you're hungry. Stop when you're full.
Earth shattering, right?
Try it. If you could do it, you probably wouldn't be here right now.
Here's a simple tool to help you get started. You'll want a journal of some sort to track this.
Before you open up your mouth to insert food, take a breath. Then assign a number from 1 - 10.
"One" for you're starving like you haven't eaten in days.  "Ten" if you're so stuffed you may explode. Soon.
The trick is to eat when you're at a 4 or 5 and stop before you get to 8. Also note how you're feeling.  Are you angry, sad, mad, excited, in love or content? Make a note of that in your journal. You'll see over time if there are any trends. For example -- you are overwhelmed every day at 6 after you've just got home from work and the kids need help with your homework and the bills need to be paid and the washer overflowed. Of course you're overwhelmed. If you're reaching for food, you're looking for comfort. So now that you've discovered this about yourself -- you can find new ways to find comfort and will eat less.
It all sounds painfully simple. It's not -- but that's why you're here. The InsideOut support team is here to help you through the process. We're a group of people with similar fitness goals. Together we will help each other reach our goals without fear of guilt or judgement.
Our first meeting is Feb.  7. Between now and then, start your journal. When you eat -- try to stay between a 4 and 7 and become aware of when and why you're eating. (This scale was developed by Megan Osborne, an eating order specialist) Look for trends and then look for other ways of dealing with the emotions you're feeling when you're eating. We'll also be posting writing prompts, recipes and ideas for helping you meet your weight loss goals. If journaling isn't your thing -- simply make a mental note to be more conscious when you eat.
If you'd like, there are several great books to read to help with this process. Look up anything from Geneen Roth. For a great workbook approach, try Marianne Williamson's A Course in Weight Loss.  It's available at bookstores and at your local library (although some libraries will have to order it, so call ahead).
There are three parts of this team; the 3 W's. Within, Water, Walking.
Turn Within: Listen to your body and eat when you're hungry -- stop when you're full using the scale described above. Right now don't worry about the type of food. It's neutral.  Not good or bad. Furthermore you're not a bad person or a good person based on the food you eat or the numbers on the scale. Don't even get on the scale. Tune into the inner you. Eat when you're hungry. Stop when you're full.
Water:  We rarely drink enough water. Check with your health care provider to find out the proper amount for your age and body type. This doesn't count pop, coffee, tea or juice. It's water. If you don't like the taste of your water, add a slice of lemon or lime. Drink the recommended amount of water.
Walking: Again, check with your health care provider to make sure you can walk without doing extra harm to your body.  If you have been inactive for a while, start simple. For example, walk for 4 minutes. Add another minute when you're ready. This is not a race. This a journey.
Bonus:  Spend 20 minutes a day doing something that brings you joy. Something JUST FOR YOU. You may get joy by fixing your kids dinner, but that's not what we're talking about. Do something that brings you joy. Read a book. Sew. Paint. Plant something... whatever it is, do it because you love it!

Here's some fun songs to get you started. Check back often for more ideas, tips...and more! 

  This is a beautiful song from the Broadway musical Wicked. Listen to the words!

Another Great one -- again listen to the words!

Everything you need is already within you!